He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Randomize
