oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
