i think my tv is drunk
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
