Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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