Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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