1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
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well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
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I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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