We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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