She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
