Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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