it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize