Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
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I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
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I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
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