I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Randomize
