Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
