I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
