im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I need moral support for this bender
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
