In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
