She is in my trunk
Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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