i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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