It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
