She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
29 Frat Parties That Got Way Too Out Of Control
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
15 Ridiculous Ways Broke People Managed to Make a Buck
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.