I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
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I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
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We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock