Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
