What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
