So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
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nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
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I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
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