I am puke
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
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