I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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