i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
