His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
