I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
Randomize
