she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
