i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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