Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I love the progression of these pictures. I go from cute to Courtney Love
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
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