Your face is a jimmy john
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
