Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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