I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
