i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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