You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Randomize
