my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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