Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
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