highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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