Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
