If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize