If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
