I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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