i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Randomize
