Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
