I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
