i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
