The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
are you so shy because you have an std?
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Randomize
