Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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