i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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