i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
