Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
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