Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
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