...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
